I love living in mess :P red nails today!!


I was listenting to 'cracks on walls' and realised this guy produced it.


I think he's cute.
TedLoid rocks, . his music is like, whammmmmmmmmmmmmmmm house electro .
he produced music for a major world tour when he was 18.
EIGHTEEN, i'll be studying at 18 but this guy's already travelled through france, europe, and the americas...
i wanna be a sound producer too.
seriously serious.
SHERYL COMES TO TOWN. Tickets coming near you.
and then i'll be super rich and living the rockstar life.
OH YEAH.

Recently, someone told me I resembled a milk-bottle.
The things I’m being compared to aren’t human anymore.
Im feeling a bit sick right now, and i hope im well soon! else my o levels are gone ~~

i ate crab just now!!!!   yay. i love crab.
but i hate peeling the shells off the meat... their poky :/
hurts my fingers. Anyway. while we were waiting for the crab trent found a cigarette on the table... so....
he drew this. HAHAHAHAHA.


WTF . and he's supposed to be the smart one around here...

Omg i need to blog about this. yesterday pattawan and i went to find THE GRAFFITI CAFE.
i texted jas to ask her where it was, Patt texted her friends as well and in the end only jaslin was right haha.
we were walking around orchard finding the damn place until jas said there was one at far east plaza.
AND WE FOUND IT YAY.
like, finally. i was in my school uni and i hate going to orchard in my school uni. like seriously .
so anyway on the way there i was so excited because i havent seen patt in like a month, and we were talking and talking about everything,
and then suddenly someone shoved some flyer into patt's hands, and then we just glanced at it and got like this big shock.
i was so shocked i started laughing and couldnt stop . the flyer was advertising, uhm, companions? prositutues/?
like what the fuck? Pearlee and i were like oh, DAMN.
gross. but damn funny.
anyway the cafe was the same, but the cafe lost its vibe that pearlee and i loved so much. in sec 2. we hung out at that place like everyday .
:(
 oh well. changes. gotta love 'em or hate 'em.
anyway pearlee (patt) was great. she's like my best friend, i swear. we talked about everything, and after talking to her i just felt so much better and all. about every problem i have, she puts them into perspective, and after that i feel like its sooo simple, and everything is just up to me.
she's awesome :DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
we've been besties for 3 years and during that time i had many friends but they were all come and go. hahaha and the great thing is,
SHE'S MOVING TO THE WEST TOO YAYYYYY!!!!!  :DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
OHMYGAWD HOW COOL IS THAT????? like we can pop by each other's place like so simple.
tee hee. am super happy. and then we were totally planning what to do in my gap year, travelling, art stuff, making music, etc etc and i seriously cant wait. she's gonna help me redo my room and i hers.

yeah. plus we're travelling at the end of the year and we're doing loads of lame shit together :D like a paintball party!!!

i hope she can work with me at loccataine next year! she hasnt decided on poly or jc yet, so chyeah :D

heh heh i dreamt of takanori last night !!!!!!!!!!!! WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEE/ i was chilling with him. awesome dream.

.
okay now if i can dream or MYV tonight as well that had be epic. haha
the gazette's new single BEFORE I DECAY is so fucking good. the guitar's like, WHAMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
.

I like this band too! found them when i was checking out HELIO.

Right, I changed my layout, because i feel like i need to have a new fresh start, or something.
Im thinking of retaking my o levels next year as a private candidate. Mom was angry, friends werent exactly supportive and i feel like shit.
Honestly, i feel like a carpet people are walking on over and over.
I Guess im paying for the past two years of not studying and being dilligent. I want to go to ACSI so badly it almost hurts.
And now, knowing that i screwed up my o levels isnt exactly the best feeling in the world. i want to cry, or something.
I just keep thinking that i've screwed up my chances, screwed up everything that meant anything to me. if i could i would turn back time and study harder. Just knowing i did my best, i would be happy with that. i know i didnt do my best, i dont know what happened to me these two years, its like my sense of commitment and urgency switched itself off and i was on a constant roll of instant gratification, i didnt know when to stop and force myself to start working hard, so that i could get good long term results. i kept procrastinating,didnt know the value of working hard now so that i can enjoy later.

Like Kezia said, its all about delayed gratification, and i just didnt have that concept in me.

Well whats done's done, regret is useless, no use crying over spilt milk, blah blah blah.


oh man. I made so many mistakes, did so many stupid things, but i'd like to think i learnt something from all of this.
I feel like as long as im at peace with myself, as long as i dont mind what im doing, then i dont care what other people think, im going to do whatever i want to do. So the private candidate thing, im giving myself permission to retake my entire o levels again next year. Because i screwed up and now i have to fix it. But i dont know if im strong enough to do this.
 

Im not exactly miss discipline. I dont know if i can put up with people looking down on me because im a private candidate, when i study in ACSI. i dont know if im making a big mistake by delaying myself by a year while other people move on.
I'll always be older by a year and i dont know how i'll feel next time, whether i'll regret this decision.

There are always two sides to a coin and making the decision to retake o levels carry so many risks too. So i guess i'l just have to believe and trust myself. i need to. Im answerable only to myself, and god.

I hope i made the right decision.

anyway, my plan is this:
YEAR 2010:
1.  Retake o levels.
- English, EM, AM, Biology, Chemistry, Combined Humanities.
2. Take SAT 1 and SAT II
3. Toffel and ELTTS
4. study japanese JLPT 3 and 2, and take JLPT 4  and 3.
5. Work the first six months at loccataine, get my $6000 and buy a DSLR, redo my room, new SG guitar, amp, pay for all my exam fees, travel to new york, tokyo at the end of the year.
6. Ship out any outstanding items and sell all my stock.
7. Volunteer with pattawan in thailand teaching english, as well as participate in some of World Vision's programmes ( I havent decided which yet)

So technically, i get into ACSI after scoring 6A1s, study very hard during my IB, get into Yale/Princeton/Oxford, and then i'll decide what im going to do in the next chapter in my life.

That sounds like a good plan and i hope everything goes according to plan. Well i've decided. im going through with this plan and anyone tries to stop me, go to hell.
as long as im happy with myself.

today was pretty awesome :)
sahh sindhya and i went to cluny park to ''look at  the sky''.
it was very very nice. looking at the sky i mean. we took pictures, shot videos and ran away from birds, screamed just for the fun of it,  and then sindhya had to go home becaue she had tuition.
sahh and i spent two hours just lying on the grass.
talking, listening to gazette and cinematic sunrise, and just talking. she thinks im more quiet now, and like im more anti social. i am, i guess.
i mean, i havent spoken to both of them for like two months.
honestly.
im not kidding.
well i was actually supposed to have my study date with abigail, glenda, jia han and suhana, but like i saw sind and sahh there and it was just awkward, you know? i was a bit surprised because We always went everywhere together and they didnt ask me along. of course i just covered it up and said hey. They asked if we wanted to have lunch together so i just told Glenda&Gang that  i was gonna have lunch with sahh and sind instead.. i feel sad we've been so far apart. ._. i hope the study clique didnt mind. i dont think they did.

so yeah,and we talked a bit. i miss sahh actually.  i think people are different sometimes. with different people, 
But thats just normal isnt it. layers and layers of pretences. maybe, maybe not.

i dont know. i just feel so tired. and not just physically, though i feel like i could sleep forever. I meanl tired emotionally and mentally. i try to cover it up in school, smile and grin at appopirate times, laugh like im normal. and brush away comments like hey why are you sad are you alright? Jacq asks me that the first thing in the morning and i almost wanted to say no im not fucking alright but thats not easy, is it? its like weaving a web of lies- once you break down on one part everything comes crashing down. i cant deal with that. so i laugh when i think its my cue to laugh, i speak up like im supposed to. when people expect me to pass some stupid lame funny comment, i just pass it.

I cant even sleep anymore. the thoughts are running through my head at night,making me want to cry, making me miss someone, making me hate myself; making me afraid. Of things that arent even real. Even when i sleep its like jumping into a black dreamless pit that never ends, and that scares me more than anything. i keep myself awake wondering what the hell im doing with my life, wondering what i should have done, what i should now do.

I hope this is just exam stress and not depression, because i'd hate to see the shrink. Fuckers, all of them.
Speaking of shrinks, i miss audreyseetoh ): she was my best bud in sec two and we spent all of our time together.she me and pattawan. always. we'd play MCR on the guitar (hahahhaa) together, bitch about stuff, check out stuff. she knew everything about me  its not even funny. we used to talk about stuff, and she totally understood, because sometimes she felt that way too. she could tell what i was feeling, and she would keep the knife. or bring out the guitar.

it was all she could do, but hell did it help. i miss her. pattawan was hanging out with us too, and it was so fucking fun those days. we spent countless hours at changi airport running around in trolleys,and we would laugh our ass off at my accent. and her accent. it was really fun. i miss her. Come to think of it, i miss friends, close ones that used to be. i guess i changed too fast and too much, and they got tired keeping up with me. people like hannah, audrey, david, matt. part of my life and then suddenly they werent.Time does cruel things sometimes.

I dont know. it seems like its all i can say these days. i dont know. how do you feel today? i dont know. and then maybe add a fuck off, although i would never say that out loud.

Maybe i feel like i have pushed too far into things i wanted, and what you didnt necessarily want. i'd taken advantage of your good nature, and get so carried away that when i stopped to catch my breath, you werent there anymore.

Oh well. i'll just have to deal with it. maybe i'll patch things up, and i could be wally and she could be franny again. yay :)

anyway. this week was common test week and i fucked up all the tests although i studied. i tried, i guess.
its just that. well. nevermind. there's two weeks left to prelims ): fucking hell. studystudystudy!!!! NYU NYU NYU. LIBERAL ARTS YES!

i havent made lorin's mixtape, the NOISE CD sucks. they wouldnt let me delete the songs on the CD ):
oh well. i'll just buy an empty one then. although i bet she would have loved the red cover.

ahh, whatever. i love copeland and the gazette. and between the tress and this providence.

awesome, music is :)
ciao ,
till later.